Letter To My Sisters

Letter To My Sisters

By Kay Clark

April 17, 2016

To my Dearest Sisters,
I pray that this letter finds you both happy and at peace. I have had this on my mind for some time to write to both of you. We are so far apart and life has a way of taking up time. The I wills turn into I meant to and I am going to next time. As we all know next time never comes. My prayer is that that we can connect and put some substance to the word family. Perhaps this is in my own head, but I hear whispers of shadows and secrets.

It has haunted me since mom passed in ’97 that I know absolutely nothing about her and her life except the part in which I was an unwilling participant. I hope that each of you will and be willing to share what life was like before I was born. It is so a desire of mine to KNOW her and to really know you. Did you have a relationship with Ma? What was your childhood like? Did you have a favorite color, a particular life dream? Everyday stuff. Who were our relatives on both sides? Did you ever interact with any of them? I remember you all sitting on the porch on Statesville with some guys, named Fate and Willie. What about Daddy? The only association is a reference to white liquor, Mama Cieley (?) and Ma stripping layers of that tape with the strings in it off the door to the screened porch from our room to get away from him. Were there any happy times before me?

I only had a brief interaction with our Grandfather, Big Daddy and then there was Vietnam, Bro and all that went along with that. I remember trying to take the cigar out of Big Daddy’s mouth as he was falling asleep in the big chair. He would snort awake as I was running to hide. Then he was gone. It was years before I knew he had died. No one explained it to me. I guess they thought I was too young.

What facilitated this for me was a panic attack and breakdown under stress. Currently I am out of work under a doctor’s care and seeing a therapist. The disconnect is so severe that there are big gaps in my memory for extended periods beginning around age 6. The earliest memory I have is of a birthday party with a cone hat on my head. It is all a blur though. Not sure if the party was mine or if I was attending. I remember things like the big fan in window with the red, yellow, green and white buttons. I remember seeing the image of my hand waving back and forth and listening to my voice warble with the blades. It did not take much to entertain this kid … lol.

Do ya’ll remember the silver Christmas tree with the color wheel? I was so enthralled that I fell asleep in front of the fireplace and woke up with scorched shins. Christmas appeared to be Ma’s favorite holiday. It is the one time of year that I can remember her being really happy. What are ya’ll’s memories from early childhood? Of course, there were the fights, oh the fights. I can remember the smell of burning fabric, the weighed rotating vibration of that black telephone dial, and portable radio playing James Cleveland on Sunday mornings as we readied for church. How I hated riding in the cab with the fold-down seats attached to the back of the front seat. It reminded me of being on the toilet. The cab smelling like old urine did not help.

I wish you both could see the house where we spent our younger days now. It has a fence around it and a satellite dish sitting jaunty to one side. There is so much junk in the yard that I find myself angry at the disrespect to my only memories of my preschool years. Seeing it stimulates silent queries of the display as an outward manifestation of the many spirits that inhabited the place. My best memory is the smell of burning wood in the fireplace and the side porch. It seems so small now though.

Anyway, I hope that you will share the good, bad and otherwise with me. It would mean so much to me. Pray about it. No shade, no judgment. I love you both and want to be really sisters. Praying for you always.

~ Baby sister